ODE TO THE COLORBLIND

Sunset so pretty but you’ll never see it glow

Reds, pinks & greens, colors you think you know

Oh what a pity you never understoond why we don’t eat yellow snow

Because you’re colorblind

Can you even be patriotic if you can’t see red, white, or blue?

Does March 17th often confuse you?

We once died your undies pink and you never even knew

Because your eyes don’t recognize hue – you’re colorblind

You wore black on Easter, orange on New Years

Rumor has it that your colorless eyes don’t produce tears

I bet watercolors are some of your biggest fears

Ya know – cuz you’re colorblind

But maybe other senses have increased for the better

Like maybe you can stand really bad weather

I’m sure there are tones that you really treasure?

I mean, you must’ve found something else since you’re colorblind

We know it’s not your fault; it’s up to fate or genetics

And I bet kindergarten was pretty hectic

Lucky for you TSA can’t detect it

Even still, you’ll always have something to blame

Ya know, the colorblind. 

UNEXPECTED NUDES

We met on the interwebs and that’s already strange

Knowing you just by your face and normal first name

Yes, it’s true – you had a witty About Me

But let’s be real, that says next to nothing about your personality

Two dates, that’s it. And yes they were great

Your face and your body were a hard seven or eight

And sure, I let you touch my boobs

But that definitely wasn’t an invitation to send me nudes

Unexpected nudes, you’ve seen them before

Shocking and vivid, they burn to your core

In Spanish class, at lunch with Bubbie – there’s no proper place for

Unexpected nudes. We want them no more

Dressed up, dressed down, there’s no right way to it

Snapping me an unexpected nude, man, you definitely blew it

I’ll show it to my friends, my sisters and my brother

My neighbor, my aunt, and, yeah, definitely my mother

Thank you for the laughs but a quality pun would have been better

Because now there's this poem, and you’ll be The Nudes Dude forever.

LYING TO MOMS

I often wonder how moms feel

How they keep their cool, remain so even keel

Kids crying, snot running from their nose

Loads and loads of poop-stained clothes

Do they like being stuck with all the goods and all the bads

All the happys and all the sads

All the laughs and all the cries

Seems to me they’d get pretty sick of all the lies…

I remember the first time I lied to my mom

Left out some choice details for where I was and why I wasn’t coming home

The worst part: she didn’t even have to work hard to crack the case

It was handed to her on a silver platter, right in front of her face

Fate had it my mom would figure it out that very next day

She ran into my friend’s mom with whom I told her I would stay

Mrs. V had no time to react, she couldn’t think on her feet

And with my mom on the other side, it was an easy defeat

No time to cheer, celebrate or bask in my lie’s success and glory

Moments after getting home, I learned who had the victory

I thought I was so smooth, thought I could dupe my mother

But even after I covered all my tracks, someone else blew my cover

She was so graceful, so mild and grounded me regardless of my tears

She asked me who was at the party and where we got all the beers

She said she wasn’t mad, just disappointed in my choices that night

And then mentioned how “urine” was the best word to describe the taste of Miller Light

The thing is, moms love us no matter what we do

It’s innate, engrained, not something that they choose

And since we take advantage, they never get the credit they deserve

Like how they’re always keeping us safe from the neighborhood pervs

There’s no way around it, whether they like it or not they get it all

Laughter & cries, no matter how big or small

And whenever we feel small, fall or take too many mushrooms and trip balls

They will always be the first ones we call

I love you mom.

MARRIAGE, FUCK YEAH

This is a story all about Alex and Jeff

Been together 11 years, living out west

It’s a tale of legends, they say, & it ends pretty well

Marriage, fuck yeah – that’s pretty swell

In 8th grade these 2 lovebirds shared their first kiss

It was a fleeting love, but they had the same wish

To be together forever, more than just friends

Marriage, fuck yeah – that’s how this story ends

How did they reconnect, you ask. I’ll tell, sit tight

They opened up their chat rooms, sending IMs to the morning light

AllieRose16 and Surfnatic1 their pseudonyms

Marriage, fuck yeah – their reunion was on no whim

So here’s to AIM, to chat rooms, galore

They really can help you score

These 2 foxy bitches, they’re soulmates, that’s for sure

Marriage, fuck yeah – need I say more?

So here’s to dancing, prancing and heaps of romancing

Here’s to Jeff’s luscious locks and the music he rocks

Here’s to summer breeze, being weak in the knees, to the nights we seize

Here’s to number one out of four, never being a bore, DJ Moose Moose to the core

Here’s to family and friends, love lasting to the end

Here’s to always being bootylicious and merry

Letting your hair down and fighting rarely

To long nights of laughter and jokes

And to the shameless loving of all folks

Here’s to those not with us today, watching with pride from above

Because… Fuck Yeah. Marriage. Here’s to love.

FACEBOOK FRIENDS

I was walking home from work, just a normal day

Until I spotted an old friend sitting across the way 

I hadn’t seen her since college, she never told me she’d moved to LA 

This is so classic Courtney. I waved and screamed, “Hey!” 

She started playing that game; she's done this before. 

She so silly that way, a straight jokester to the core 

Pretending she didn’t know me, pretending to “ignore” 

Face in her hands? Hood over her eyes? She’s never a bore! 

I remember the day I met Courtney B. 

Freshman year in the same section for Philosophy 3  

She said hi and smiled, then sat next to Billy

We were besties at first site – I knew it. 

After we met I sent her a request on Facebook 

Hold on, just chill.

I waited a few days cuz I’m no friendship rook. 

Neither was she because her sweet time she took 

She accepted me after graduation...4 years later. 

So when I saw her that day, emotions came rushing in 

C. Bot and me, taking the streets like long-lost twins 

I should do something to show her that we’re still best friends 

Maybe write on her wall or give her a poke... 

That’ll put our friendship on the mend!

ELEVATOR THOUGHTS

There’s nothing greater than an elevator

Up and down, I’ll get off later

Sharing space with total strangers

And just enough time to think of lunch

35 buttons – can you say wet dream?!

I haven’t been this excited since I was 13

I got my braces off that year,

life was great it would seem

Maybe I’ll make a tuna sandwich…

So much love for that small moving room

Don’t even get me started on the heart-racing tunes

I once shared a kiss in one with a total buffoon

I really hope Pegs didn’t finish the relish.

When I get to the top, I hop off the ride

It’s sad to get out and walk inside

But when I open the fridge, I jump for joy, my smile won’t hide

I found the relish!

THEO

This is my friend Theo

And what he doesn't know

Is yesterday I stole his car

I know this sounds bad

Since it was a gift from his dad

But don't worry I didn't get far

I peeled out the drive

Smooth pavement in my eyes

You bet your ass I was ready to fly

But what I didn't see

Was the tree behind me

Someone get tissues in case he cries

I know this is tough to hear

Which is why I won't be near

When you read this short apology

Your car is in shambles

The streets it can't handle

I really am so sorry

(Also I borrowed $20 for my cab home. I found it in the glove compartment of your car. Thanks buddy!)

OBs APOLOGY

OBs is a fine establishment

A place where legends have come and went.

Until one girl came to drink

And didn't use her head to think.

She thought it would be funny to travel behind the bar

But realized she'd gone too far

For that's no place for a little lady

As it makes her look kind of crazy

So please don't hate me for the rule I tried to bend

I hope you can forgive my drunk ass so we can still be friends